We heard it through the grapevine that it's time to run
There is no limit to the mental resources and chutzpah found in the hearts and minds of Americans. Never let it be said that we give up easily.
Take the case of James Frederick, a 49 year-old inmate at the Columbia Correctional Institution in Southern Wisconsin. One day Frederick had had enough. Instead of performing the duties of his prison job, which was to retreive food carts, he made a run for it — “it” being one of the fences that surround the prison.
Turns out, this act was not as spontaneous as it sounds. Before attempting his Mid-West “Escape From Alcatraz,” Frederick had stuffed his clothes with newspaper to keep them (and himself) from being shredded by the fence’s razor wires.
But it was all for naught. One of his unprotected hands was lacerated by the fence before he had gotten very far.
This guy has to be some kind of failed McGyver. Clearly, it’s the prison environment that’s holding him back. If he had access to chewing gum, pipe cleaners, duct tape, an extension cord, and empty paper tower tubes, there’s no telling what heights he could rise to. Yeah, and we’re supposed to be rehabilitating the prison population.
What makes this story interesting is that, not only did Mr. Frederick have a body protected by old newspapers (hopefully, The Washington Times and pages torn from Sarah Palin’s book), but he was also carrying a large bag of raisins. Don’t we all know about the protective powers of raisins?
A recent study of successful prison escapes concluded that prisoners who moistened raisins (to activate their adhesive properties) and covered their bodies with the dried fruit (for camouflage when hiding in wooded areas) were 68% less likely to be recaptured.
Okay, that’s not true. It’s a nice thought though — or a scary one, depending which side of the prison bars you live on.
Chances are, Mr. Frederick was thinking of sustenance and took the smallest, lightest food he could get his hands on. After all, raisins are nature’s candy and the prison escapee’s nourishment on the run. Let’s hope he took toilet paper, too, because raisins are also nature’s laxative and the prune’s less-maligned first cousin.
This isn’t the first time Mr. Frederick has attempted a daring escape. In 1981, he tried to escape from the Kettle Moraine Correctional Institution in Plymouth, Wisconsin.
Hopefully, the Columbia Correctional Institution has a copy of “The Shawshank Redemption” in its video library — for cinematically transcendant purposes only, of course. Here’s spoiler for Mr. Frederick: you’re going to need a very, very small pick axe.
Mental Pizza 