You Make Me Feel So Young…And Rich

I am NOT John McCain!

A disturbing trend is surfacing. It seems that those who think crime pays are coming to that conclusion later and later in life.

First, there was the story commented on in this blog about the elderly Japanese citizens behind a rash of shoplifting crimes in that country.

Now, it seems that these “elder crimes” have hit U.S. shores. According to the Associated Press, an elderly man recently robbed a La Jolla, CA bank, escaping with an undisclosed about of cash.

The suspect, described as, “a tall man in his 70s with white hair, a gray mustache and glasses,” slipped a teller a note demanding money. The kicker to the story is that the man was carrying an oxygen tank complete with plastic tubing around his nose. The AP story says the man fled with the money.

Is there a group of super-fast septuagenarians living in Southern California that has escaped the notice of Ripley’s?

If he was truly elderly, how could he, carrying an oxygen tank, flee anywhere? Did he take Grandpa-style baby-steps into the bank and sprint out of it? And exactly how lazy and/or old were the security guards at the San Diego National Bank anyway?

Interestingly, La Jolla, California does have a large elderly population, so it stands to reason that this senior citizen stick-up artist was really the age he appeared to be.

But since La Jolla is just a hop, skip and a two-hour drive from Los Angeles, the filmmaking capital of the world this side of Bollywood, could Mr. Oxygen Tank’s appearance have been the work of a skillful make-up artist? It stretches credulity that a senior citizen would commit this kind of crime when there’s still snorting to be done and kids walking on grass needing to be yelled at. If the elderly appearance was a disguise, the oxygen tank was genius!

If it wasn’t, this blogger suggests police look out for any elderly man spending an inordinate amount of money on Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts. And if he’s lavishing his hard candy on all the blue-haired ladies in the neighborhood, he’s probably the culprit.

Steal From Me, No Haiku For You

The oldest police line-up EVER!

There has been a rash of shoplifting crimes committed by the elderly.

One story calls it a “wave.” First of all, can anything done by the elderly be considered a “wave”? Wouldn’t it be more like a “spill” or maybe a “trickle”?

In one case, a 76 year-old woman turned to shoplifting after her parents died. There’s the problem right there. These Japanese people are too healthy and they’re living too long. They need to start smoking, drinking and shooting black tar heroin. In other words, they need to start hanging out with Griffin or Tatum O’neal. One year of that, and I guarantee every elderly shoplifter will be face-down in a plate of fried calamari before you can say “Less Than Zero.”

If these elderly Japanese people are bored, maybe we should ship some of our American old people over there. The Americans can teach the Japanese elderly how to say, “Get the hell off my lawn, nazi,” and “Hey, slut, where are you going in a skirt that short?” And the Japanese people can teach the Americans how to say, “Sorry. That was me who farted.”

No Haiku? No, not true. An elderly Japanese shoplifter sent me this. Not a perfect haiku, but very telling.

I love my sagging
breasts for they are good to
hide my stolen loot

Ya gotta admire her moxy. If you travel to Japan anytime soon, keep an eye on your valuables around anyone past fifty.