Drop Your Pants for a Song

Do these birds go with these shoes?

Anyone who travels knows the ever-increasing list of items that cannot be taken onto an airplane: nail clippers, pocket knives, box-cutters, razor blades, scissors, axes, meat cleavers, saws, cattle prods, ice picks, and pieces of glass, metal and wood carved into fine points. Speaking of sharp, Chelsea Handler should be added to the “prohibited” list any day now.

But today, we must now add songbirds to that list. Yes, those little flying chanteuses are not allowed to travel. Who’da thunk it?

Apparently, Sony Dong didn’t think it. Or maybe he did because he strapped more than a dozen songbirds to his body to conceal them as he boarded a flight from Viet Nam-to-Los Angeles. According to one story, what gave Dong away was the, “bird feathers and droppings on his socks, and [the] tail feathers…peeking out from under his pants.”

What’s strange is that these were songbirds — birds that sing. Why wouldn’t the sound of singing coming from a man’s pants tip off authorities before the droppings on his socks and the feathers on his behind? Were the birds on strike during the international flight? Were they too engrossed by the in-flight movie to give up a note or two?

Then again, people ask the same questions about Barbra Streisand when she travels?

And if the birds did warble a tune between Viet Nam and L.A., who was Dong sitting next to on the plane? Marlee Matlin?

Dong was arrested by customs agents and charged with illegally importing wildlife. If smuggling wildlife becomes a trend, this blogger recommends pigmy hippos. They can fit into a duffle bag and the overhead compartments of most airplanes. They are the Verne Troyers of the animal kingdom.

As an added bonus, none of them have made a sex tape…yet.

Crime Glass Ceiling Given 6 Tiny Cracks

Don't look at my face. I need to use it later.

It’s finally happened. The glass ceiling of bank robbery has been shattered. Well, if not shattered, certainly cracked in several places: a woman has made the news for bank robbery, allegedly.

According to a story on the CNN website, on September 21, a Connecticut woman walked into the Citizens Bank in Montville, Connecticut, handed the teller a note claiming she had a bomb, and escaped with the cash, leaving the “bomb” on the counter.

This story is not noteworthy just because a woman robbed a bank. That is a remarkable feat in itself, but not unprecedented: according to FBI statistics, women commit 6.2 percent of bank robberies nationwide. But for some reason, they don’t make national news.

So why are we hearing about the robbery of an obscure Connecticut bank where probably only a small amount of cash was stolen? Because of this pioneer’s sheer productivity. Not only did she rob one bank, she is suspected in the robberies of six banks within one week. That’s better work than Bonnie and Clyde — and they had the rest of The Barrow Gang to fall back on.

Ms. Solo Bank Bandit only had herself. And it’s not like she high-tailed it from the bank with a lot of cash. In one robbery, her note only asked for $1,000. But the fact that she was so efficient in her criminal enterprise and succeeded in robbing not one, but six banks before being caught is a testament to the power of a determined woman. Ladies, we can do anything the guys can do. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

And the bomb — whether real or faked — was a nice touch. No nasty gun, the requisite paperwork and accoutrements like bullets to contend with. Just grab a duffle bag, put in something heavy like two or three computer external hard drives held together with duct tape, and you’re on your way to notoriety.

To be clear, the above is meant as a tutorial on bank robbery and this blog is not meant to advocate criminal behavior of any kind. Crime does not pay. Just ask Rob Blagojevich or anyone who’s ever had a top ten hit on the rap charts. Talent and good management are rare; everyone else goes to prison.

However, Ms. Solo Bank Bandit’s fortitude and consistent (criminal) work ethic must be admired. She needed money, presumably, a certain amount of money. She doesn’t seem like the kind of woman prone to excess. She seems like the type who would take only as much as she needed and leave the rest alone. In each robbery, she seems singularly goal-oriented.

Her goals can be easily envisioned. Bank #1: Little Mikey needed school supplies and a new pair of Chuck’s. Bank #2: groceries; Bank #3: a new suit for that promising job interview. Bank #4: an Iphone; Banks 5 and 6: apps for the Iphone and technical support for the apps. A girl’s gotta play Rolando, right?

But Robbing six banks and taking only $1,000 is like picking the pockets of six people and taking only their quarters. The risk/return ratio is not in your favor.

Ms. Solo Bank Bandit may have been able to elude the authorities a little longer if she’d had a gang, a gang that consisted of Queen Latifah, Viveca A. Fox, and Jada Pinkett (before Mr. Smith). The benefits of Kimberly Elise are arguable.

And Ms. Fox would have definitely advised her to wear a disguise.

You Make Me Feel So Young…And Rich

I am NOT John McCain!

A disturbing trend is surfacing. It seems that those who think crime pays are coming to that conclusion later and later in life.

First, there was the story commented on in this blog about the elderly Japanese citizens behind a rash of shoplifting crimes in that country.

Now, it seems that these “elder crimes” have hit U.S. shores. According to the Associated Press, an elderly man recently robbed a La Jolla, CA bank, escaping with an undisclosed about of cash.

The suspect, described as, “a tall man in his 70s with white hair, a gray mustache and glasses,” slipped a teller a note demanding money. The kicker to the story is that the man was carrying an oxygen tank complete with plastic tubing around his nose. The AP story says the man fled with the money.

Is there a group of super-fast septuagenarians living in Southern California that has escaped the notice of Ripley’s?

If he was truly elderly, how could he, carrying an oxygen tank, flee anywhere? Did he take Grandpa-style baby-steps into the bank and sprint out of it? And exactly how lazy and/or old were the security guards at the San Diego National Bank anyway?

Interestingly, La Jolla, California does have a large elderly population, so it stands to reason that this senior citizen stick-up artist was really the age he appeared to be.

But since La Jolla is just a hop, skip and a two-hour drive from Los Angeles, the filmmaking capital of the world this side of Bollywood, could Mr. Oxygen Tank’s appearance have been the work of a skillful make-up artist? It stretches credulity that a senior citizen would commit this kind of crime when there’s still snorting to be done and kids walking on grass needing to be yelled at. If the elderly appearance was a disguise, the oxygen tank was genius!

If it wasn’t, this blogger suggests police look out for any elderly man spending an inordinate amount of money on Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts. And if he’s lavishing his hard candy on all the blue-haired ladies in the neighborhood, he’s probably the culprit.