Don't look at my face. I need to use it later.
It’s finally happened. The glass ceiling of bank robbery has been shattered. Well, if not shattered, certainly cracked in several places: a woman has made the news for bank robbery, allegedly.
According to a story on the CNN website, on September 21, a Connecticut woman walked into the Citizens Bank in Montville, Connecticut, handed the teller a note claiming she had a bomb, and escaped with the cash, leaving the “bomb” on the counter.
This story is not noteworthy just because a woman robbed a bank. That is a remarkable feat in itself, but not unprecedented: according to FBI statistics, women commit 6.2 percent of bank robberies nationwide. But for some reason, they don’t make national news.
So why are we hearing about the robbery of an obscure Connecticut bank where probably only a small amount of cash was stolen? Because of this pioneer’s sheer productivity. Not only did she rob one bank, she is suspected in the robberies of six banks within one week. That’s better work than Bonnie and Clyde — and they had the rest of The Barrow Gang to fall back on.
Ms. Solo Bank Bandit only had herself. And it’s not like she high-tailed it from the bank with a lot of cash. In one robbery, her note only asked for $1,000. But the fact that she was so efficient in her criminal enterprise and succeeded in robbing not one, but six banks before being caught is a testament to the power of a determined woman. Ladies, we can do anything the guys can do. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
And the bomb — whether real or faked — was a nice touch. No nasty gun, the requisite paperwork and accoutrements like bullets to contend with. Just grab a duffle bag, put in something heavy like two or three computer external hard drives held together with duct tape, and you’re on your way to notoriety.
To be clear, the above is meant as a tutorial on bank robbery and this blog is not meant to advocate criminal behavior of any kind. Crime does not pay. Just ask Rob Blagojevich or anyone who’s ever had a top ten hit on the rap charts. Talent and good management are rare; everyone else goes to prison.
However, Ms. Solo Bank Bandit’s fortitude and consistent (criminal) work ethic must be admired. She needed money, presumably, a certain amount of money. She doesn’t seem like the kind of woman prone to excess. She seems like the type who would take only as much as she needed and leave the rest alone. In each robbery, she seems singularly goal-oriented.
Her goals can be easily envisioned. Bank #1: Little Mikey needed school supplies and a new pair of Chuck’s. Bank #2: groceries; Bank #3: a new suit for that promising job interview. Bank #4: an Iphone; Banks 5 and 6: apps for the Iphone and technical support for the apps. A girl’s gotta play Rolando, right?
But Robbing six banks and taking only $1,000 is like picking the pockets of six people and taking only their quarters. The risk/return ratio is not in your favor.
Ms. Solo Bank Bandit may have been able to elude the authorities a little longer if she’d had a gang, a gang that consisted of Queen Latifah, Viveca A. Fox, and Jada Pinkett (before Mr. Smith). The benefits of Kimberly Elise are arguable.
And Ms. Fox would have definitely advised her to wear a disguise.
Mental Pizza 